1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster, you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

3. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday . . . lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

15. Doctors say that swimming is really quite good for you, especially if you are drowning.

16. If you give a homeless man money for a sandwich, not only will you never see that money again, but you will probably never see that sandwich either. Selfish homeless people

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Next time I accidentally drop something breakable I am going to light myself on fire afterwards. Then instead of people saying "What an irresponsible person" they will say "If I were on fire I'd have dropped that child too."

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Currently Watching Richard Simmons - Slim Away Everyday 3-Pack By Richard Simmons see related

Is it me, or shouldn't their expressions be swapped?

Here's a horrifying thought. Richard Simmons used to be limited to VHS, a low quality visual reproduction. But soon he will be available in high definition DVD and now I fear for the world. Imagine if you were innocently walking down the street and suddenly you saw Richard Simmon's sweat... in high definition while "Shake your groove thang" blared in the background on a Dolby 5.1 surround sound.

*shivers in fear*

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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed
the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds
for all male students, and the male dormitory
to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule
the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third
time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

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"Where are you?" Asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" Replies the drunk